Monday, August 4, 2014

Guys, I have two kids now... I know, right?!

So... I'm a mom of two now.  Yeah.  TWO!  One is TWO and one is TWO months!  Maybe I should have renamed this blog post "somethingsomethingsomething TWO somethingsomething"... wait... I did put the word two in there.  Ok, moving on now!

I was perusing facebook today, and I came across a blog post here:
It's basically an apology letter to the second child.  While reading it, I decided I feel the opposite of this mommy.  I want to write an apology letter to my first born.  He deserves what baby number two has experienced so far.  Yeah, she's only two months... but in those two months I have held her more than I held my first in his first two months.  :(  I am enjoying this second baby far more than I enjoyed my first.  Before you start shouting, "FOR SHAME!" in all caps in the comments section, hear me out!
First off, I was a newbie.  I was new to it ALL!  I don't want to say too much at the risk of offending friends or family who have differing experiences and opinions, but I really want to share some of my mommy insight for new moms or expecting moms who really honestly don't know their options or anything about being a new mom.

Ok.  So, this part of my story and apology to my son still frustrates me.  (this is the part where others may feel offended, and that's not my intent... just sharing experiences) I was seeing an OB for all of my appointments which is very expected and normal as a new mom.  Did I know there were other options?  Did I feel they were other LEGITIMATE options?  No - to both questions.  I wasn't really friends with many other moms out there.  I had my sister, but that was it.  I didn't know that a midwife was a qualified person to deliver a baby.  I thought it was kind of cooky and hippy.  I have had a reputation of being slightly hippy-ish in my days, but I honestly thought that was like, harry armpit having, vegan eating, hemp wearing hippy category.  That makes me sad that I was really THAT misinformed about the whole thing.  Natural birth seemed like something that only happened by accident in the car on the way to the safe and oh-so-comfortable hospital, or something that only people with super human strength could endure.  Because of all of my lack of fact-checking and that I had blind faith in doctors... I gave myself and my son a less than ideal labor and delivery.  We both missed out.  In a MAJOR way.  Sorry, Justus.  I'm sorry that I allowed the doctors to FORCE my body, that was still patiently awaiting your spontaneous arrival, into labor.  I'm sorry that you were disturbed, still comfortable and developing, inside my body.  I'm sorry that I caused you distress.  That I allowed this to happen to you and I.  I'm sorry I believed the lie from my Doctor that forced inductions aren't always 100% successful. I'm sorry that the first few moments you took your first breaths, I wasn't the one holding you, and that we missed out on those first moments together - bonding, skin to skin.  I'm sorry that I allowed the "expert lactation consultants" at the hospital make me believe that you needed formula.  I'm sorry that because of the high demand of the lactation consultant at the hospital, I didn't learn the correct way to feed you, and therefore couldn't successfully for months.  I'm sorry that I was finally informed for the birth of your little sister.  That I had a calm, relaxing, surreal natural birth with her.  That it really isn't as terrifying as Hollywood and horror stories make it out to be.  I'm sorry that it's actually beautiful and rewarding, and that I didn't know any of this.  I'm sorry we were robbed of the amazing bonding I experienced with Maxine, being able to hold her as soon as she came into this world.  I'm sorry that she had this amazing, relaxed birth, and you had a traumatic one.

Ok, I'm glad I got that off my chest.  There's more. Lots more.  But I'll let my doctor and the hospital apologize to us.

Onto the next part of my apology.  Justus, I'm sorry I read blogs about putting a baby on a "schedule" and that you didn't need ME to hold you or love you or cuddle you, you needed to learn to "self soothe".  Honestly, ... If I wouldn't have put you on a schedule so young (two weeks) you would have been a lot easier of a baby.  I tried to have you on a every two hour feeding schedule.  I knew when you needed to eat, you didn't.  Hmm... is that real life?  When you're hungry, do you have someone following you around saying, "no you're not... it's not time yet.  You have to wait." NO!  When we're hungry, we usually eat or snack.  That's all you were trying to do as a baby, and I'm sorry.  When you cried, I kept reminding myself, "it's okay, he needs to learn to be on MY time schedule and MY watch."  I had the mentality that you were going to be a hungry, weepy, clingy baby forever.  Well, you're not anymore.  Not at all.  You're a big two-year-old.  You wiggle to get out of my arms when I struggle to cling on to you for hugs... You grew up.  That time is gone and I'll never have it with you again.  This time around, I am holding her when she wants me, feeding her when she's hungry, lying next to her at night when she wants to just be close to me.  She will be humungous soon. This baby stage FLIES!  I see that now looking back.

I'm sorry I give her more than I gave you.  I'm sorry I let little things stress me the heck out.  I stressed about feeding times, sleeping schedules, whether or not you'd sleep through the night, having a "momma's boy" or a kid that relied too much on pacifiers.  I was scared that you would need me to rock you to sleep every night, or nurse you to sleep every time you woke up.  I was nervous that I would always be this stressed out, sleep deprived mommy.

Wake up call.  You grew up.  Those nights are long forgotten.  What's remembered is all the times i tried painstakingly to make you fall asleep without me near you, or without the comfort of that last little snack before bed.  I'm sorry I am letting your little sister have all these things and more.  I'm sorry that having two kids is less stressful than having one baby and not knowing what I'm doing.

Justus, I love you so much.  I don't love Maxine more than you, I just realize now what matters.  Security matters, feeling safe and loved matters, these fleeting moments actually do matter.  I get more sleep now.  Maxine gets more sleep now.  She is happy, content, and loved.  You were loved, just blindly.  That's why when you call for me at night now, I come.  When you want to sit in my lap, or want me to hold you, I will stop what I'm doing and hold you.  You won't want that forever.  You need it now, and I will strive to give you the mother you deserve from now on.

The end.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013


I can't describe my guilt.  I am ashamed of my insignificant prayers.  My cushy life is too great for me to accept.  I don't feel like I deserve it.  All of those families out there who have lost their kids, mothers, fathers... I don't understand.  Why do we have such an easy life?  People in other countries don't have food, shelter... they are suffering from disease and starvation.  Then there's this country... So many things have happened this year.  Why have we been spared?  It seems as though every family in this country has been effected one way or another from all of these tragedies.  Jordan sees heartache every time he is at work.  I have an iPhone, a house, plenty of food, plenty of clothes, a computer, TV's, cars, shoes for my feet, shampoo for my hair, make up to look pretty, three different types of strollers, lots of time with my husband, a beautiful HEALTHY baby boy, family close by willing to help at the drop of a hat, margaritas when I feel so inclined, delicious iced coffee in my fridge, a juicer to help with my new "clean eating" goal, a big camera to capture all of my life's little precious moments, good friends to call when I need someone to talk to or someone to hang out with, shopping centers around every corner, restaurants... the list of luxuries is ENDLESS!!  Yet there is so much suffering in this world.  I feel so guilty.  Why am I allowed all of these things??? Am I thankful?  Yes!  But my only question is why?  It is a major struggle thinking about all of the darkness and heartache in this world and still being able to enjoy what I have?  I complain about things too!  What gives me the right to complain when I can't buy that shirt or not get my iPhone the week I want to get it, or not have internet working when I NEED to get online?  I am a spoiled little brat.  We all are.


Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Our world

I'm done with Facebook because on Facebook you can't speak your mind without hearing a bunch of crap from your "friends" as to why your opinion is wrong.  Everybody is entitled to their own opinion and I really like to be able to express my own opinion.  

The following is a very precise description of the world we live in today.

  Romans 1:18-32"But God shows his anger from heaven against all sinful, wicked people who suppress the truth by their wickedness.... Yes, they knew God, but they wouldn't worship him as God or even give him thanks. And they began to think up foolish ideas of what God was like. As a result, their minds became dark and confused. Claiming to be wise, they instead became utter fools. And instead of worshiping the glorious, ever-living God, they worshiped idols made to look like mere people and birds and animals and reptiles.
So God abandoned them to do whatever shameful things their hearts desired. As a result, they did vile and degrading things with each other's bodies. They traded the truth about God for a lie. So they worshiped and served the things God created instead of the Creator himself, who is worthy of eternal praise! Amen.That is why God abandoned them to their shameful desires. Even the women turned against the natural way to have sex and instead indulged in sex with each other. And the men, instead of having normal sexual relations with women, burned with lust for each other. Men did shameful things with other men, and as a result of this sin, they suffered within themselves the penalty they deserved.Since they thought it foolish to acknowledge God, he abandoned them to their foolish thinking and let them do things that should never be done. Their lives became full of every kind of wickedness, sin, greed, hate, envy, murder, quarreling, deception, malicious behavior, and gossip. They are backstabbers, haters of God, insolent, proud, and boastful. They invent new ways of sinning, and they disobey their parents. They refuse to understand, break their promises, are heartless, and have no mercy. They know God's justice requires that those who do these things deserve to die, yet they do them anyway. Worse yet, they encourage others to do them, too." (NLT)

Ps... this isn't my opinion.  It's fact.  

Sunday, December 16, 2012


Everything Is Meaningless

The words of the Teacher,[a] son of David, king in Jerusalem:
“Meaningless! Meaningless!”
    says the Teacher.
“Utterly meaningless!
    Everything is meaningless.”
What do people gain from all their labors
    at which they toil under the sun?
Generations come and generations go,
    but the earth remains forever.
The sun rises and the sun sets,
    and hurries back to where it rises.
The wind blows to the south
    and turns to the north;
round and round it goes,
    ever returning on its course.
All streams flow into the sea,
    yet the sea is never full.
To the place the streams come from,
    there they return again.
All things are wearisome,
    more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing,
    nor the ear its fill of hearing.
What has been will be again,
    what has been done will be done again;
    there is nothing new under the sun.
10 Is there anything of which one can say,
    “Look! This is something new”?
It was here already, long ago;
    it was here before our time.
11 No one remembers the former generations,
    and even those yet to come
will not be remembered
    by those who follow them.

Wisdom Is Meaningless

12 I, the Teacher, was king over Israel in Jerusalem. 13 I applied my mind to study and to explore by wisdom all that is done under the heavens. What a heavy burden God has laid on mankind! 14 I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind.
15 What is crooked cannot be straightened;
    what is lacking cannot be counted.
16 I said to myself, “Look, I have increased in wisdom more than anyone who has ruled over Jerusalem before me; I have experienced much of wisdom and knowledge.” 17 Then I applied myself to the understanding of wisdom, and also of madness and folly, but I learned that this, too, is a chasing after the wind.
18 For with much wisdom comes much sorrow;
    the more knowledge, the more grief.

(taken from

Thursday, November 15, 2012

My 'go-to' baby items!

If you are a first time mom, registering for a baby can be quite overwhelming!  Do I really need all of those things I see in the stores?  NO you don't!  Don't go registering crazy... First of all... wait a bit to see what free items you will be given.  So many moms with too much baby junk want to just give their stuff away!  Believe me, you will be given a lot of things if you're friends with a lot of mommies!  Also, go to second hand stores for things you don't get on your list that you still need... You don't really want to buy a used car seat, however, if you don't know the history of the car seat. That could be dangerous.  I have a used car seat, but it's only because I knew the mom I bought it from and it had not been in a wreck and was used by only one child.  Try to go to garage sales for furniture for the nursery, and the Just Between Friends sale is awesome for clothes, shoes, toys, strollers...etc!  I got a Peg Perego stroller there in great condition at a fraction of the cost of buying new!  So, if you don't get all the things you register for, don't fret!  There are plenty of money-saving options!  

Ok, so here is my MUST-HAVE list for my newborn...  I may have another list of MUST haves when he starts to grow a bit more, but for now... I MUST have these things... 

Number 1:

Noise makers are amazing!  They are a great way to reduce SIDS and help your baby sleep anywhere.  Justus can sleep anywhere we go because he is used to the noise.  I bring it with us in the car too and it helps soothe him in the carseat (which he HATES!)

Number 2: 

These blankets are seriously awesome.  I have the patterns above.  4 swaddle blankets may seem like a lot, and not really worth the money you (or whoever buys them for you as a gift) spend, but they are so worth it to me.  I need all four because sometimes he'll leak out of his diapers in the night and get the blanket wet, or he'll spit up on it during his nap... I have gone through all four in two days before.  Get the four pack! 

Number 3:

So, I was NOT going to use pacifiers... but babies get cranky, and sometime for no reason.  You will see that they will search for something to suck on.  It doesn't necessarily mean they are hungry, they just want to be soothed!  Hence, the Soothie!  These ones are the only ones my baby boy will take.  They have a more natural shape.  The other ones are kind of flat on one side and he just spits them right out.  

Number 4:

I highly suggest getting a breast pump!  I honestly don't know how moms can be breast feeding moms and not have a breast pump.  They will save you in so many areas!  If you are away from your baby for the day, you will NEED to pump.  If you want to have a couple drinks at night, you can give them some expressed milk from a previous pumping! If you feel extremely engorged and can't get relief! I bought the MOTOR of this pump on craigslist for CHEAP!  Do not re use the tubing, bottles, or accessories!  Just reuse the motor. Cheap pumps are not good pumps... Medela is what they use in the hospitals, so you know they're good!

Number 5:

If you are a breast feeding mother... Do not get the boppy!  They slip out of place and the baby rolls off of them.  This one is flat on top with a head support on both sides.  It goes around your back for back support and clips so it doesn't move.  You can adjust it to fit snugly around yourself.  It is bigger than the boppy, but for good reason!  I highly suggest this pillow!  I got mine used at the JBF sale I think, and just bought a new cover for it.  

Number 6: 
This is the bag I use as my diaper bag.  My sister bought it for me for my shower and  I love it!  There are so many perfect bottle sized pockets on the outside and tons of room on the inside!  Seriously the perfect diaper bag!!

Number 7:
I love this pack n play.  This is the one that we have in our house.  Jordan's mom found it on craigslist for a great deal!  We kept it in our room for the first three months so that I could get to him right away if he needed me.  He is now in his own room (sad day) so we will give it back to his parents.  BUT we have another one we will use.  I just really liked this one because of the changing table and the raised middle part for the baby to sleep on.  It's great! 

Number 8:
If you are a stay-at-home mom and don't put your baby in daycare, these are great!  Most daycares wont let you do cloth... but seriously, I don't know why not.  They are SO EASY!!!  Changing diapers is gross no matter how you look at it... so why not use REusable?  These are my favorite brand.  I did a lot of research and these are by far the best!  Hands down!  

Number 9:
Ok, IF you do cloth diapers, these will SAVE your diapers.  I use the pre-soak stuff, the detergent, and the odor remover sprinkle.  My diapers do not smell and barely have any stains because of this stuff... I highly recommend you get this anti ammonia detergent or your diapers will probably start smelling after a while.  

Number 10:
LOVE the Moby Wrap!  I bring it with me everywhere... once you get the hang of how to put on this ridiculously long fabric... it's AWESOME!  Justus loves being up close to me, so when we grocery shop, go out and about, or if I need to get things done around the house and he's cranky, in it he goes!  It's wonderful!  I absolutely 100% recommend you get one of these!  

So that's it for now... I don't have any more time, and these are really the only things I really really need and would miss if I didn't have them.  

Monday, November 12, 2012

100 things I love about Jordan...

I was thinking about Jordan today while I was cooking.  I was thinking about how thankful I am for him and how lucky I am to have him.  I started listing reasons I love him in my head and I kept on thinking of them, so I decided to write them down.  I actually had to make myself stop writing at 100... I keep thinking of more.... for now, I'll stick with the list of 100.  It's a good thing to do to remind you why you married your husband in the first place.  I challenge all you wives out there to do this... It made me really look forward to seeing him when he gets off of work tonight!  :)  

100 things I love about Jordan
1. He believes in Jesus
2. He makes me laugh
3. He gave me Justus
4. He loves me just the way I am
5, He is honest
6. He is a hard worker
7. He has a great family
8. He talks to me about everything
9. He is my best friend
10. He works two jobs so I can stay home with the baby
11. He listens to my silly ideas
12. When he does something, he does it the best he can
13. He likes eating the food I make
14. He doesn't complain when I don't cook
15. I have known him since I was little
16. We were friends first
17. He plays wii with me
18. He doesn't need cable or internet.
19. He likes to live simply, like me. 
20. He lets me do cloth diapers (and tries to change them too)
21. He is a great daddy
22. He is a great husband
23. He tells me he loves me
24. He lets me hug and kiss him whenever I want.
25. He has the same sense of humor as me
26. He is silly
27. He is a republican
28. He works on little and big projects with me
29. He likes to let loose and have a good time
30. He sounds exactly like Frank Sinatra when he tries
31. He likes pretty much every genre of music
32. He can play pretty much every instrument (and he learns if he can't)
33. Coldplay
34. He isn't pretentious 
35. He is active
36. He takes care of our house
37. He listens to me
38. He offers solutions to problems
39. He isn't naive
40. He will teach our boy how to respect adults and others
41. He will instill a good work ethic in our boy
42. He has a great work ethic
43. He doesn't frivolously spend money
44. He can't sit still for more than 10 minutes
45. He is very attractive
46. He makes me feel needed
47. He makes up silly songs and sings them over and over again
48. He is respectful to authority and adults
49. My Great Aunt thinks he's a gentleman
50. He talks football with my 5 year old cousin
51. He loves my family
52. My family loves him
53. He told me he wanted to marry me on our like second date
54. He asked me to marry him four months after we started dating
55. He only wears Tshirts
56. He doesn't care if I only wore Tshirts
57. He likes my super fair skin tone
58. He lets me get my hair highlighted
59. He doesn't like going to the movies
60. His wii character is "The Most Interesting Man in the World"
61. He likes dogs and cats
62. He lets me do the budget
63. He is creative
64. He is a good dancer (when he wants to be)
65. He danced with me on our first date
66. He won't see Twilight
67. He let me pick out the last two places we've lived
68. He bought me a kitten for my birthday
69. He is great at giving and thinking of gifts
70. He weighs more than me
71. He doesn't shower me with useless words
72. He SHOWS me he loves me
73. He makes our son laugh
74. He is trying to grow a mustache
75. He encourages and inspires me to be healthy and active
76. He thinks I look prettiest when I feel ugliest. 
77. He would be happy living in a box with me
78. He actually tells me about his day when I ask, "How was your day?"
79. He gives me an ornament for christmas every year.
80. He loves Christmas
81. His favorite movies are all rated G or PG
82. He is confident
83. He doesn't use credit cards
84. He makes wise decisions
85. He is proud of his family roots
86. He comes from a family of hard working, stand up men
87. He wears the pants in the family
88. He lets me be the kind of mom and wife I've always wanted to be
89. He likes hanging out with my favorite people just as much as I do
90. He likes going on vacations with me
91. He has been through and overcome a lot in his life
92. He takes a negative and turns it into a positive
93. He doesn't hold a grudge against me, EVER
94. He sleeps with his legs hanging off the bed 
95. He makes me food when I'm too busy with the baby
96. He does me favors
97. He doesn't have facebook
98. He became a firefighter after working so hard to become one
99. He was my first kiss in high school
100. He was the first boy to tell me he loved me

Sunday, November 11, 2012

25 reasons I'm glad we don't have cable

Jordan and I had cable when we first got married and I thought I would never go back to not having it.  Well, in May, I stopped working so I could be home with my darling baby boy (a decision I will NEVER regret!)  Because of that we got rid of cable and internet.  (the internet I'm using now is "borrowed" from our generous neighbor!)  Since not having cable... I have noticed a difference in our marriage and in my day-to-day life.   I was a TV/cable addict for a while... Some people may not have a problem with it like I do... so to each their own!  I lack the self-control to just TURN IT OFF sometimes!  :)  Props to you if you can!

25 reasons I'm glad we don't have cable:

1. I spend less time sitting down (except when I'm feeding Justus)
2. I find things to clean in my house that would otherwise go unnoticed.
3. I have more free time. (TV had always distracted me from the free time I actually had - hence the complaint, "I don't have time!")
4. I actually play with my baby on the floor and look into his eyes while I'm doing it. If the TV was on,     I would be probably be sitting on the couch with him and not looking at him as much, giving him my undivided attention.
5. I cook more
6. I listen to more music (I'm on a Mozart kick lately after watching Amadeus with Jordan the other night. It creates such a calm atmosphere)
7. Jordan and I have time for DIY projects that we want to do.
8. I don't get frustrated if I miss a certain TV show
9. I don't feel the "need" to finish a TV program if I start it. (how many useless Househunters episodes and My Fair Wedding episodes can you watch in one day, seriously...)
10. We don't have the constant JUNK from commercials and programs filling our minds.
11. Jordan and I find watching a movie together in the living room a little more special. It kind of feels like a date.
12. Jordan and I talk and enjoy our friendship more while playing Wii sports together (we have intense competitions!)
13. Justus isn't going to grow up with the TV being on all the time as the norm.
14. I am inspired to get outside and moving more.
15. Jordan and I sit and talk more often.
16. We are saving a TON of money
17. We go spend time with family members if there's a special game on or something instead of just watching it at home.
18. When friends come over, we actually talk to each other instead of just sit there and stare at the screen together.
19. I am not constantly hearing terrible things from the News.
20. We can watch TV shows we really like in their entirety at the end of the season instead of waiting a week to find out what happens between each show. (It's like watching a movie together... way more fun)
21. It's getting back to the basics of life... which I am all about.
22. I grew up HATING the TV and wishing we could just go throw it in the lake. (even though we didn't have cable, it seemed to always be on!)
23. We are saving electricity!
24. I don't waste my time watching all of those stupid singing competitions anymore.  (they drive me crazy)
25. My days don't feel like a waste!

I'm sure there are many more reasons to be glad we don't have cable, but these are the main ones... I thought we would "need" cable... but we most certainly don't.